Good news and bad news
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I’m ruined! What’s the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!
Teacher was unable to teach
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”
The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Smoke! A talking chicken!’”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
May I speak
The phone rang in the stockbroker’s office.
“May I speak with Mr. Tom?”
“I’m sorry. Mr. Tom is on another line.”
This is Mr. Tim’s office. We’d like to know if he’s bullish or bearish right now.”
“He’s talking to his wife. I’d say he’s sheepish.”
A nervous taxpayer
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, ‘We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.’
‘Thank God,’ returned the taxpayer. ‘I thought you were going to want cash.’