My front yard
A man calls the fire department and says, “Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden.”
“Very nice,” the firefighter says, “but what does that have to do with the fire service?”
“Well,” the man answers, “the house next door is on fire and I don’t want you to trample my front yard.”
I can’t swim
Life Guard: Don’t dive off that board! There’s no water in the pool! Dummy: It’s ok I can’t swim!
You are crazy
The psychiatrist said sternly to the patient: “If you think you are walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you are crazy.
Worst pain
A man and a woman were discussing the worst pain a person could possibly experience.
“Without doubt, there is nothing more painful in life than childbirth,” said the woman.
“Nonsense,” said the man, “a kick to the crotch is much more painful. Ask any guy.”
“You’re so wrong,” maintained the woman, “Childbirth is far more painful.”
“The man was not about to yield to her argument and announced: “I have proof that I am right.”
“What proof?” she asked scornfully.
“Because,” he continued, “a few years after giving birth a woman will say to her partner, ‘Do you want to try for another baby?’ But I have never, ever heard a man say, even years later, ‘You know what I’d really like? Another kick to the crotch.’ “