First day of school
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.”
A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”
Say to the other
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Lunch is on me
Best ever
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman’s home in a rural area.
“This machine is the best ever” he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor.
The woman says she’s really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, “If this machine doesn’t remove all the dust completely, I’ll lick it off myself.”
“Do you want ketchup on it?” she says, “we’re not connected for electricity yet!”
Every night
A man visits his psychiatrist and talks about being haunted by visions of his departed relatives. He says; these ghosts are perched on the tops of fence posts around my garden every night. They sit there and watch me and watch me. What can I do?
The psychiatrist says; that’s easy … just sharpen the tops of the posts.